The Friendship Cycle

I'll be honest, I am not, nor was I ever really good at friendships. Maybe it was because I tried too hard, I always acted like I thought I was supposed to and not like I was, or maybe I'm just too selfish to be a good friend. It was always easier to try and buy the relationship then to try and be what was needed. Plus I always got frustrated feeling like I put in so much work and got little in return. 

Stacey is behind me on the
left. I'll update the photo
when I find the original.

And it's been going on all my life. When I was little and living on an Air Force base in Florida, the street was full of kids to play with. And there was one girl, Stacy, who was my age and we spent a lot of time together. But as is life of an Air Force brat... you move, and followup has never been something I excel at. So bye-bye Florida, bye-bye Stacy. I was 5 at the time, so I guess not much was to be expected from that, at least we had a few good years playing Barbies and Strawberry Shortcake.

Then came the move to Connecticut and with it, multiple schools. In 1st grade I met Kirsten. Best of friends... at least I thought. But come 4th and school changes... we were no more. At least it was a couple good years. At the next school, I don't remember much, wasn't there long. Mom was desperate to get me into the magnet school my brother was in and by 2nd semester of 4th grade she succeeded. Yeah, it was a great school, but nothing worse than being the older kid and being known as your younger brother's sister. Shouldn't it always be the younger known by the older? But it was what it was and I dealt with it. That includes getting punched in the jaw by 2 boys on my first day. Yeah for middle school! Now the school was fairly small, only 2 classes per grade and you got mixed up from year to year... so everyone know everyone and for the most part we all got along. There were cliques, but they weren't anywhere near as bad as it is today. There was teasing, but no down right bullying. And I know about the teasing... I was normally on the receiving end.

While we were fairly friendly as classmates went, there was alway that best friend longing. I even went as far to use the whole "I'll be your friend if you'll be mine" bit with a new girl... and it worked... for about one grade level. Then she found her people and I finally found mine. But while we all seemed BFFs in school, there was very little outside interaction. Maybe a random phone conversation, someone would have the occasional party... but that was it. After graduations, we picked different high schools and that was that. Again no follow-up. Did manage to have a pretty sweet 13th birthday sleepover before we all parted ways, so those memories are there.

High School was pretty much the same thing. Teasing got a little meaner, but it was manageable. I'd almost gotten used to it. Expected it even. Sometimes it went a little to far, but isn't that part of the high school package? During those 4 years I was myself to a point... yes, I was crazy, animation loving white girl with the camera, but the rest of me was to be whatever it took to fit in. But I always had S. She was a true friend. To say we were BFs would be correct. We did things after school. We hung out, we talked, we shared secrets. There were a few others people I connected with, but between acts on both sides those bridges got pretty scorched. And it was at this stage in the game that the frustration started to set in that while I thought friendship was a two way street... I was finding it wasn't. Other than S, if I wanted to do anything with a "friend", I had to do all the work, the calling, the planning, heck half the time the paying. Not really what I though a friendship was supposed to be like. But hey, high school... the real world will be much better right?

Nope... same deal. Headed to college, roomed with S the first semester before scorching that bridge. And any bridges still standing from high school got totally burned to the ground, thanks to rumors and idiots. But all that... I'm over. S and I are FB friends, so I can see what she is up to. She looks very happy, looks very her, and I miss her like crazy. Maybe one day I should tell her that. But there is still a connection and that's what matters.

Now I have a point to all this rambling, and I'm getting to it now. The years 1995 through 2003. They were the best of times and the worst of times. I found a group... a group similar to the real me. No needing to fake it. But it didn't start out smooth... and I can fully admit that was my fault. I was annoying as heck. It wasn't that I was trying to be, I was just like an over excited puppy that pees on everything. I wanted so much to belong to this group. It took a bit of making up, but I finally was one of them. I loved them all, we did things together. Sometimes as a complete group, sometimes as smaller parts. And it was all good. Then the girls became crafting buddies and we did a lot of that. And we ate out... a lot. And we had some serious fun. We had a number of weddings and babies started coming. Families were being made. Time was growing thinner, but we managed. If not all the time, we seemed to always make time for birthdays. Times were good.

Then came the no good, very bad thing I did. It was bad. Fueled by a number of Mike's Hard Lemonades and a number of raw emotions - betrayal, sadness, loss, change, loneliness - it was horrible. I can't even remember the exact details of what went down... but the damage was great. I didn't just burn a bridge... I pour gasoline on it and watched it burn. Me on one side and the rest of the group on the other. It was the end of the good times. I'd say I'm surprised anyone even let me get behind the wheel of a car that night because I was a mess, but a crash would have been a fitting - and deserved - end to the evening.

Thanks to the power of Facebook, it seems a few have either forgiven me, or really never got involved, because we've reconnected a bit... not at all like it was, but baby steps. But I doubt after 10 years, there will ever be anything that can be said to repair the major break. And it sucks. But it was my fault. That night was also the last time I ever drank. As for photos of these years... as I mentions in my photo memories post, they are being passed on to those that forgave. 

Not sure if you'll read this, but I'm so very, very sorry. And I miss you everyday. We may never speak
again, but I think of you often. Thanks to pictures posted by a mutual friend, I can see that you look
very happy, very loved, and fantastic.

As for now, thanks to the internet, I have a few people I can call friends... but they live in different states, so we never see each other. We talk on an off, through texts and FB chat... but some of them are in rough patches right now, dealing with aging parents and their own health issues, so I keep most things to myself. If you were to ask me if I have a BF, my answer would most likely be my mother... which is good, but also has it's flaws. But most days it's just me and my cat, sitting in my room, hoping some more friends will appear in my garden of friendship.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Memories...

And not all of them are always good.

Since I can remember, I've always had a camera in my hand. I loved taking photos of anyone that would let me and everything that was around me. When I was little I was a bit of a ham... loved having my photo taken. As I got older I became more behind the camera and but still enjoyed being in a picture. Until recently... packing on those extra pounds really makes you stay away from the from of the camera. But this post really isn't about photos of me... it's about the collection of photos I've gathered over the years.

With the digital age, it's easy to deal with a photo attached to bad memories. You can just delete it, or you could toss it in a file and bury it away. But printed photos. They just sit there, waiting to be framed or put in an album or if they are lucky enough, scrapbooked. And I am/was a scrapbooker. Used to be really into it, scrapping every little event. Now, if I feel like scrapping anything it's only pictures of high school or earlier, Disney trips, or maybe my childhood. That's it. Everything from 1995 to present day that isn't Disney related... I don't even want to look at them.

And there are many, MANY more photos than this. About 3 more boxes full.

That brings me to current emotional dilemma. What to do with years of photos, some which are actually painful to look at? See, a lot of pictures from `95 to about `03 are of mostly the same people. And a number of those people I am no longer friends with, but that's a story for another post. The short version is I pretty much suck as a friend. Thanks to Facebook, however, a few have reached out and we've sort of become at least FB friends, and maybe someday we can be back to the level we once were. Anyways, these people are for the most part still friends with the rest of the group. So, since I can't bare to toss a photo... I've been mailing the photos to them. I've kept a few that still make me smile. And sets I've asked them to pass on to those I've done wrong, I've removed all images of me. What happens to the photos when they leave my house is up to them. I just hope they find a place that brings more smiles than tears.

Oh, and I did get a little pyromaniac on a few of them... all ex-boyfriends and all not so great photos - blurry, closed eyes, stupid faces. I thought it would make me feel... I don't know, better? But it didn't. All it did was almost set all the dead trees around the old stone grill I used. I can see the headline now "Fire Captain's Daughter Sets Fire to Backyard Woods." Ugh, neither dad or I would ever live THAT one down! Thank goodness we still had piles of snow around... it makes a great fire extinguisher!   

Anyways... the reason it didn't make me feel any better? It's never been a problem with ex-boyfriends. There was always closure, no longer love. The problem is with ex-friends... people who deep down I still love and miss very much. That's were the hurt is. And it's a hurt I'm just either going to have to live with or move on... because it's been 10 years and I don't think mending the break is an option any longer. 

I can only work on the photos a little at a time, some because I just don't know if I should pass them on or toss and because a number of them... I don't remember what the memory behind the photo is. Not sure if it's selective memory, a side effect of 16 pills a day, or my one sharp memory is starting to fail. And after an hour of all that... it just becomes too much to deal with the frustration.

At least the postage of mailing on the pictures and having a mini bonfire cost is a lot less than a visit to my therapist!