Today's Post is Brought to You By...

The letter X, the number 2, and the International Suicide Prevention Wiki.

In my "An Absence Explained" post I mentioned about some self inflicted Xs on the top of my right foot. I made the Xs on March 8th, the day I entered the hospital. I also mentioned that those Xs have meaning. Now it's time to explain.

X can mean many things, it can mark the spot, it can mean a kiss, or the number 10. But that's not what it means to me. To me X is a reminder, a reminder of just how close I came to ending it. I was lucky that the logical side of my brain kicked in and stopped me. But I was on the brink.

As for the number 2, well that means 2. So... two Xs, two attempts. Two moments of absolute desperation. I now see those two Xs every single day. The Xs made the afternoon when I knew I was about to get help. It's a daily reminder of just how close I was.

Taken March 26th, 18 days after I made the cuts. It is going to scar, so it'll be a permanent reminder.

So, now I have a message for you, you that are on the brink. You that are about to cross the edge. One, you are not alone. You are not weak and you are not a coward. Get help. Parents, family members, doctors, and best friends are good places to start. If you don't think you can talk to them.... then make a phone call. Click on the image below and you will be taken to a Wiki that is filled with information on national and local groups that are there to help you. Seek help and you will find it. 

Let logic and reason be your guide. People will miss you, people love you, people want you around. Give people the gift of you.

Disclosure: International Suicide Prevention Wiki has nothing to do with this post, I just think they are a great resource.

An Absence Explained... And I Will Not Be Ashamed About It

During the time from about 6:00pm on Friday, March 8th until 5:00pm on Friday, March 15th... I was nowhere to be found online. Since I'm not huge on Twitter and I don't post a lot here, you might not have noticed the absence. if you are a Facebook friend, well then you might have... since I tend to post a lot and I'm active in a few groups. But with how many people and pages that are on FB, I doubt many noticed I wasn't around. But I wasn't. The reason, I was in the hospital. The St. Vincent’s Behavioral Health Unit to be exact. In layman's terms, I was in the psych ward at the hospital.

Let me back up a bit. I've been seeing my psychiatrist since the beginning of 2011. The day I met him, he wanted to commit me to a hospital. My parents wouldn't let him and it never came up again until earlier this year. At a visit on Tuesday, March 5th with my mom, it was decided. I was going to the hospital. The doctor wanted me to go right then, but we told him we needed think about it and speak it over as a family. Plus, I had plans for that Wednesday I really wanted to try and keep. Thanks to the weather, the plans were cancelled, but the preparing for a hospital stay was in the works. We, as a family, decided Friday once my mom got home from work we were on our way.

Some self inflicted therapy. Photo taken on 3/17,
after I left the hospital.
The fact that they are Xs have a meaning,
but I'll explain that another time. And
this is the only photo you'll be seeing in this post.

When Friday rolled around, I was packed, I was terrified, and I was worried if this was the right thing to do to get on the road to getting better. While it was my parents sending me there on the advice of my doctor, I was also going voluntarily… for the most part. How the rest of the evening went was nothing short of nerve racking, scary, and generally confusing. Dad dropped us off at the door and before he even parked the car and joined us inside, I was in the system with an id bracelet and about to be stripped of everything I had with me. Nothing like a few well placed scratches to get someone's attention. I knew I was going in and I knew I needed to be admitted. I could not be turned away. So I did what I had to do. What I really wanted to do instead of go stay at a hospital. If anything, I'm not stupid. I am aware how the game is played. I needed help and would be damned if I was going to get turned away. If I got turned away... Those scratches would have become cuts and deeper and more deadly.

Within 20 minutes of stepping foot into the hospital I was stripped of all my clothes except my underwear. And they watch you undress... It's a member of the same sex and they try to pretend that aren't, but I've watched enough TV to what a one-way mirror looks like. They even took my hair tie. I wasn't even allowed a ponytail. And you all know how I like my ponytails! My parents took everything home with them, except the outfit I came in with and were basically told they could leave. And I wasn't even out of the ER. So there I was in a Johnny coat (they didn't have scrubs in my size), hospital socks that were 3 sizes to big, and my underwear. Laying in a bed in the hallway. And there I stayed for over 3 hours. With a babysitter, because I wasn't allowed to be left alone. Anytime I even needed to pee I had to have security guard escort me. I felt like a criminal. 

My parents were gone. And with them all I hold dear. See, I went in hopeful about technology. I had my fully charged iPad, iPhone, iPod, and Nintendo 3DS. Plus all the chargers and backup batteries one could need. And I had Dali. All of it... Gone. Not allowed. All taken away with my parents. Even my license was gone. I was just a barcode on a band. I felt inhuman. And the worst was yet to come. 

The reason for having to stay in the ER for 3 hours instead of moving to the psych division, was my heart rate and blood pressure were through the roof. It took a bag of saline and some extra blood pressure meds to get it to a level where I was safe to move. 3 hours... with some very scare numbers. But finally at 9:30pm, I was okay to move... to be escorted by security to what is pretty much the worst place you ever want to be. After having a metal detector waved over me, I was let into this area that had about 9 or 10 square rooms with huge glass doors and floor to ceiling windows. Each room contained a single wooden twin bed, a pillow, a thin blanket, and a set of very thin sheets. And the was it. And behind a locked wall of glass was all the nurses, techs, and equipement. It was the saddest and scariest place I have ever been. And the bathroom, while it did have a door and lock, it contained a single steel bowl... the kind you see on TV in every show that features a prison holding cell. It had no seat... it was just a bowl. And then there was a sink and a open shower in the same space. The middle area contained to couches and a small TV, mounted high on the wall and covered in a plastic case. I was officially a prisoner. I curled up into a ball on my bed and just sat there, crying... crying to the point I gave myself a bloody nose. I thought this was the end. My final resting place. Every second I was there, I wish I made the cuts deeper. I wish life was over.

Finally, a glimmer of hope appeared... the psych doc to do my evaluation. She was the one to determine if I went home or if I got sent upstairs. Thank goodness, there was an upstairs. If I had to spend my entire time in the psych ER, I would have left crazier than when I went in. It didn't take long for her to determine I was headed for the 9th floor, however it took forever for the transfer to happen. Thankfully, I was allowed a phone call and called my mom... though I'm not sure if she understood a word I said through all the hysterical crying. When all was said and done, I got upstairs around 2:30am. Then had to go through this whole long admitting process. By the time it was done, it was 4am. I was allowed to put my fleece pants, bra, and tank top back on... but still no ponytail. Was given my nightly pills and curled up in the bed. Between the migraine, the lack of dinner, and the complete exhaustion, I think I just cried myself to sleep...

The next day, the life of being a patient in a psych ward began. I kept a journal the entire I was at the hospital, and I have much, much more to say about the whole experience. The good, the bad, and the down right crazy. So I plan to write a lot more about the whole experience and the all the aftercare that is being required. But I think that is enough for now. I've been home for a week now, I'd like to say things are instantly better... but they aren't. In fact, some days are worse. I went in with 2 main goals:

• Cut back from 16 pills a day
• Get a proper psychiatric evaluation... find out what is really my diagnosis.  

Niether of those happened. In fact, I'm now on 19 pills a day and I'm nowhere near closer to a diagnosis. So was it all for a nothing... I'm going to say no. I learned a lot of things about myself. Stuff I'm happy to learn and some stuff I'm not so sure I wanted to know. I will share all that at another time.

I do want to make a special note about friends and extended family and their knowledge of the whole events... I texted or emailed the four people that I considered my closest friends letting them know where was I going and that I may or may not have access to the outside world. And I let my Enjoying the Magic staff know I was going to be away for a bit and that my mom and my editor in chief were going to be in charge if they needed something. That was all that was said. It wasn't even until Saturday night that my brother found out and that was because he called to talked to my mother and my dad said " she's at the hospital visiting your sister". By the end of my stay a close friend of the family, my uncle and his girlfriend were all that were told. When I was allowed on FB again I did mention I was in the hospital, but left it at that. I don't believe anyone on my dad's side of the family knows... at least until they read this. At first I was embarrassed about the whole thing. I felt weak and like a failure. And I know why my mom didn't shout it from the rooftops or mass email everyone we know, even family, it was due to a fear that I'll become known as the crazy girl, because in today's society   there is this nasty stigma that comes with the term "mental illness". She didn't want to see me judged or thought of as broken. She wasn't embarrassed about me, she was worried about me... and how it would be taken that I had to go into the hospital in order to save me from myself. 

But I've decided that is society's issue, not mine... and I will not be ashamed that I needed help... that unlike others I took the steps to get help, rather than make that final cut. So I'm not embarrassed I'm telling you all this, I refuse to be. And if just one person reads my story and it causes them to get help rather than end it all... then it will all be worth it. 

The Friendship Cycle

I'll be honest, I am not, nor was I ever really good at friendships. Maybe it was because I tried too hard, I always acted like I thought I was supposed to and not like I was, or maybe I'm just too selfish to be a good friend. It was always easier to try and buy the relationship then to try and be what was needed. Plus I always got frustrated feeling like I put in so much work and got little in return. 

Stacey is behind me on the
left. I'll update the photo
when I find the original.

And it's been going on all my life. When I was little and living on an Air Force base in Florida, the street was full of kids to play with. And there was one girl, Stacy, who was my age and we spent a lot of time together. But as is life of an Air Force brat... you move, and followup has never been something I excel at. So bye-bye Florida, bye-bye Stacy. I was 5 at the time, so I guess not much was to be expected from that, at least we had a few good years playing Barbies and Strawberry Shortcake.

Then came the move to Connecticut and with it, multiple schools. In 1st grade I met Kirsten. Best of friends... at least I thought. But come 4th and school changes... we were no more. At least it was a couple good years. At the next school, I don't remember much, wasn't there long. Mom was desperate to get me into the magnet school my brother was in and by 2nd semester of 4th grade she succeeded. Yeah, it was a great school, but nothing worse than being the older kid and being known as your younger brother's sister. Shouldn't it always be the younger known by the older? But it was what it was and I dealt with it. That includes getting punched in the jaw by 2 boys on my first day. Yeah for middle school! Now the school was fairly small, only 2 classes per grade and you got mixed up from year to year... so everyone know everyone and for the most part we all got along. There were cliques, but they weren't anywhere near as bad as it is today. There was teasing, but no down right bullying. And I know about the teasing... I was normally on the receiving end.

While we were fairly friendly as classmates went, there was alway that best friend longing. I even went as far to use the whole "I'll be your friend if you'll be mine" bit with a new girl... and it worked... for about one grade level. Then she found her people and I finally found mine. But while we all seemed BFFs in school, there was very little outside interaction. Maybe a random phone conversation, someone would have the occasional party... but that was it. After graduations, we picked different high schools and that was that. Again no follow-up. Did manage to have a pretty sweet 13th birthday sleepover before we all parted ways, so those memories are there.

High School was pretty much the same thing. Teasing got a little meaner, but it was manageable. I'd almost gotten used to it. Expected it even. Sometimes it went a little to far, but isn't that part of the high school package? During those 4 years I was myself to a point... yes, I was crazy, animation loving white girl with the camera, but the rest of me was to be whatever it took to fit in. But I always had S. She was a true friend. To say we were BFs would be correct. We did things after school. We hung out, we talked, we shared secrets. There were a few others people I connected with, but between acts on both sides those bridges got pretty scorched. And it was at this stage in the game that the frustration started to set in that while I thought friendship was a two way street... I was finding it wasn't. Other than S, if I wanted to do anything with a "friend", I had to do all the work, the calling, the planning, heck half the time the paying. Not really what I though a friendship was supposed to be like. But hey, high school... the real world will be much better right?

Nope... same deal. Headed to college, roomed with S the first semester before scorching that bridge. And any bridges still standing from high school got totally burned to the ground, thanks to rumors and idiots. But all that... I'm over. S and I are FB friends, so I can see what she is up to. She looks very happy, looks very her, and I miss her like crazy. Maybe one day I should tell her that. But there is still a connection and that's what matters.

Now I have a point to all this rambling, and I'm getting to it now. The years 1995 through 2003. They were the best of times and the worst of times. I found a group... a group similar to the real me. No needing to fake it. But it didn't start out smooth... and I can fully admit that was my fault. I was annoying as heck. It wasn't that I was trying to be, I was just like an over excited puppy that pees on everything. I wanted so much to belong to this group. It took a bit of making up, but I finally was one of them. I loved them all, we did things together. Sometimes as a complete group, sometimes as smaller parts. And it was all good. Then the girls became crafting buddies and we did a lot of that. And we ate out... a lot. And we had some serious fun. We had a number of weddings and babies started coming. Families were being made. Time was growing thinner, but we managed. If not all the time, we seemed to always make time for birthdays. Times were good.

Then came the no good, very bad thing I did. It was bad. Fueled by a number of Mike's Hard Lemonades and a number of raw emotions - betrayal, sadness, loss, change, loneliness - it was horrible. I can't even remember the exact details of what went down... but the damage was great. I didn't just burn a bridge... I pour gasoline on it and watched it burn. Me on one side and the rest of the group on the other. It was the end of the good times. I'd say I'm surprised anyone even let me get behind the wheel of a car that night because I was a mess, but a crash would have been a fitting - and deserved - end to the evening.

Thanks to the power of Facebook, it seems a few have either forgiven me, or really never got involved, because we've reconnected a bit... not at all like it was, but baby steps. But I doubt after 10 years, there will ever be anything that can be said to repair the major break. And it sucks. But it was my fault. That night was also the last time I ever drank. As for photos of these years... as I mentions in my photo memories post, they are being passed on to those that forgave. 

Not sure if you'll read this, but I'm so very, very sorry. And I miss you everyday. We may never speak
again, but I think of you often. Thanks to pictures posted by a mutual friend, I can see that you look
very happy, very loved, and fantastic.

As for now, thanks to the internet, I have a few people I can call friends... but they live in different states, so we never see each other. We talk on an off, through texts and FB chat... but some of them are in rough patches right now, dealing with aging parents and their own health issues, so I keep most things to myself. If you were to ask me if I have a BF, my answer would most likely be my mother... which is good, but also has it's flaws. But most days it's just me and my cat, sitting in my room, hoping some more friends will appear in my garden of friendship.

The Long and Short Of It

A month ago, I wrote about how I was going to get a lot of my hair chopped off and donate it to Locks of Love. It's one month to the day since the cut was made and it has taken me this long to come to terms with the new shorter hair. The main point of the cut really wasn't to donate it, that was a perk... I was getting it cut because I'm on a pretty nasty drug that is more or less used in chemo treatments and it was really doing a number on my hair. Not damaging per say, more like thinning, falling out, just making it ugh. So before it got any worse... I wanted it to still be usable for someone else, that's where the donation perk came in.

Also, with it being so long, it was really hard to manage and generally looked awful on most days from lack of energy to deal with it. And forget when I did manage to get out of the house to a toy or blogging event. I saw how it looked in some pictures from a toy event in December... can you say hot mess? Just not professional at all. So it was time.

Thanks to my awesome mom for taking to photos of the moment - you can see her in the red and white sweater in the mirror. And to my stylist Monica. The total donated to Locks of Love came to about 14" of usable hair. In total though, I cut off around 17".  The same day I did mine, a Facebook friend in CA cut off 23"! It was a good day for Locks of Love!

Here are some photos I took yesterday of my hair with different accessories. I've grown to like it. It dries really fast, is low maintenance, and I did manage to keep a little bit of my curls. Sadly, a lot of the color variety seems to have gone with the ponytail... it's pretty uniform now and the silver/white strands really stand out. During the spring it might be time for a little bit of color enhancing. At least I now know when I head out for an event, I won't look like I have a real horse's tail hanging off the back of my head!  

Oh, and the best part... I can still rock a pony for every day I don't have somewhere important to go... which is about 350 days of the year! And it's a really cute pony at that, little like Pebbles from The Flintstones! 

The pony makes me very happy. 

Update 3/8: Got this in my email today...

Hair Today...

Gone tomorrow. Tomorrow at 2pm to be exact. I'm going to do it, I'm going to chop most of my hair off. Here is my hair currently...

It's long, it's wavy, it's red. And after the trip to the salon it will be at least 13" shorter. Maybe 15", haven't decided yet. I do know that all the cut hair will be going to Locks of Love. As for why I'm cutting it, I'm not really sure. I'm kind of over it? I mean, it's usually twisted up out of the way, people don't even see how long it is... so what is the point of having it all? Maybe I just need a change? I really don't know. I just know I finally have enough to donate, so why not.

But part of the fun in a major hair change, is picking something new! I've picked a couple of styles off of the internet that I'm thinking about... cut and style only! I'm not changing the color! Here are some styles that have caught my eye:

Chances are I'll end up with a simple bob with no bangs and just long enough to pull back if I want. I'm expecting I'll be wearing a lot of headbands to keep it off my face, because hair on my face slightly bugs me. But at least when I do go to an event now, I can do something a little more stylish than a ponytail. 

Or, the worst could happen and I spend the evening crying "what the heck have I done?!" But hey... it's just hair, mine grows fairly fast, and at least I tried!

Wish me luck!

2013's Word De L'année

Last year, I was inspired to pick a word for the year. The word I went with was confidence, and for the most part I think I did okay. Now it's time for this year's word.

Unlike last year, this year was much easier to pick. I'm working on changing the way I think about things, so I automatically knew my word for the years has to be:

DO

I'm a dreamer, I have great ideas... but very little follow through. Not this year. No more excuses. I'm going to DO. Got an article idea... don't add it to a list, DO it. Cute idea for a craft, DO it. No more lists... instead of spending the time writing it down on a list, I'm going to DO it! Enough with the plans, enough with the "well I need to complete this before that", the "I'll work on that on this day"... no, DO it right then and there. So what I don't have quite the right photo for a project, either get up and take it or DO the project with something else. There are so many incomplete projects around here, waiting for one thing or another. No more! Like Nike's slogan says, "Just DO it!"

Are you picking a word for 2013? If so, what is it?

Welcome to The Land of Melted Clocks

Welcome all my new friends from BlogHer `12! I'm so happy you stopped by!

The Land of Melted Clocks has been around almost 1 1/2 years and I outside of a few things, I never really spoke about who I was or what this blog is about. I think it is now time. For starters, the name Land of Melted Clocks was inspired by my favorite painting, Persistence of Memory by the great Salvador Dalí. I picked this painting to represent me and my blog, because most days I feel like the world is melting around me and I'm just standing still. It's also a little out there, sort of like myself.

This is me.

Now on to me. Writing about myself is always pretty hard to do, mostly because it makes me admit to certain things I may be in denial about. But here goes, I'm April Baker, a blogger, an artist, a toy lover, and a geek. I'm 30 something years old and I live in Connecticut about 45 minutes West of New York City. I'm single, kidless, and the owner of the greatest cat in the world. I'm obsessed with toys, Disney, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I adore wearing jeans, tees, Chucks or flip flops, and funky rings & bracelets. I'm pretty average in just about every way... except one. I'm not the most healthiest individual. I suffer from Crohn's, fibromyalgia, an anxiety disorder, and issues with my back. I'm really just a big mess. But I have a great support system that really helps cope with everything. I could tell you more, like I was an Air Force brat, have two associate degrees, and I have a brother... but then what stories would I have to write about in the future? ;)

Most days you can find me blogging, taking pictures, or doing some kind of craft. Or playing video games and watching tv if I'm not feeling all that great. But mostly I'm on the computer. I run four other blogs besides this one, and I'm in the process of creating two more. The Magic Family is a group of three blogs - Scrapping the Magic, Crafting the Magic, and Enjoying the Magic. All are more or less Disney blogs with their only sub-specialties, namely scrapbooking, crafting, and life. Then there is The Toy Box Geek, a newer site that is getting ready to launch in September. Toy Box is all about toys and things related to toys. Little Pink Pumps and One Brick, Two Bricks are Barbie and Lego blogs, respectively. I'm hoping to get those up by the end of the year.

I'm also very active on Facebook, sometimes on Twitter, and participate on all your standard social network sites. And I have a Tumblr blog called April in Progress. That's were I post all my projects in process and things like Doctor Who images, memes, etc. Stuff that I don't want to clog up this site with.

So what will you find on The Land of Melted Clocks?

• Photography - I love photography and I plan to fill this blog with it. Photo projects, challenges, and whatever else photo wise that inspires me.
• Travel - If I ever manage to take a trip, you can expect to read about it here.
• Art - Talk of art, my art, artsy things. Just art type topics.
• Crafts - The occasional craft project will show up here. 
• Geeky Stuff - I love all things geeky and I love talking about them even more!
• Book & Movie Reviews - If I ever find the time to read a book or go to the movies.
• Other Blog Stuff - Updates on all my other blog projects.
• Friends - I love my friends. And I plan on talking about them more.
• Me - My life, my health, my cat, just things I have going on.
• Randomness - Really I tend to write what I feel and what I like at the moment. And since I'm all over the place in my mind, it's only natural that you can expect this to be all over the place.

What you won't find on this site is adult content, swearing, politics, or religion.

Another thing you'll see on this blog is tales of its' mascot, Dalí. Dalí the Amazing BlogFox. He'll be coming with me to BlogHer and having a bunch of adventures of his own, so he'll be a regular feature on the blog. And I really need to thank my friend Kerri of The Maven of Social Media... she coined the term "The Amazing BlogFox".

So to sum everything up, I'm a geek, I have a lot of blogs, and I'm an artist. Oh, and I love toys. That is the nutshell that is me.

If you would like to get in touch with me, friend me on Facebook, message me on Twitter, or email me at abaker413 [at] gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you!

A Rude Awakening

I've always known I was never going to be a supermodel. Or a prom queen. I never thought I was the Elephant Man... but Heidi Klum, I am not. I considered myself cute, mostly because I had a cute personality... at least I think I have a cute personality. And I know I was a little overweight, but really didn't think I was that fat. Until I was walking through the streets of NYC and caught a side view of myself in a shop window. Wow. I was shocked to say the least. It's like that old saying...

Denial... It's not just a river in Egypt.

Boy, was I in denial. But still, it was just weight. I could change that. So, for the purpose of this post I asked my mom to take some before photos. Bring on the rude awakening.

I can't believe I went out in public like this. I am a big girl, in very saggy shorts. And don't get me started on the hair... that's a topic for another post. But again, it's just weight. It can be lost.

Thankfully, I am not going to be alone in this battle of the bulge. I've got two good friend that are inspiring me with their own weight lose journeys! Laura (BlogHer Roommate Extraordinaire) is writing about her attempts on her blog, Tales from the Geek Vest, and her husband Brian (Fellow Lego Geek) talks about his adventure on his blog, Memoirs of a Soon-To-Be Former Fat Guy! Both are incredible people and fantastic writers, so you should really check out their musings!

So, I have my inspiration... now to tackle the fat. Some small steps that I am doing to change things are:

• I stopped drinking soda. This has been very hard because I'm slightly addicted to Coca-Cola. But I started last Sunday and today is the first day I had one... and I'm only having one because I had pizza for dinner. And you can't have pizza without soda in my world! There is a slight downside and this is I am now living a caffeine free life. It was a problem for the first few days, but now I'm looking at it positively. Buh-bye addiction!
  
• I switched from kid cereal to adult cereal. By that I mean no more Lucky Charms or Froot Loops. Now it's Special K or Chex.
  
• I don't eat between the hours of 9am and 9pm. This might seem like a weird habit, but it does help. If I'm hungry at night and it's after 9pm... oh well, it's water or nothing. It's pretty much stopped the after dinner snacking or dessert for the most part.
  
• I started chewing gum in the afternoon instead of snacking. The snapping drives my dad up the wall (which is sort of a bonus), but it does kill the cravings and gives my mouth something to do.
  
• I've been keeping busy. Being busy stops me from eating out of boredom. And I'm getting a lot of things done!
  
• Water is my new best friend. I always have a bottle near me.
  
• Keeping the junk out of the house. If it isn't around... I can't eat it! Some stuff sneaks in from time to time... but I am started to learn moderation. And prepackaged items, while more expensive, do help a lot.

That's it. That's currently what I am changing. And it's paying off... in just 1 week I've already dropped about 3 pounds. I'll eventually work up to getting on the treadmill and starting some yoga, just need to recover from jacking up my knee over the weekend.

Here's to a healthier life!

A Life Updated and My 100th Post

What? An actually blog post? It's been what, 4 months? That is a sign of how things have been going lately. There has been a lack of inspiration, no motivation, and just a lot of frustration. I lost most of April and a bit of May to two bulging discs in my lower back. The disc issue combined with my dislocated vertebrae, well, let's just say me and my bed got very close. I also became very friendly with most seasons of Grey's Anatomy, Doctor Who, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It was a great bonding experience for us. And Leo, the stuffed lion that hangs out on my bed.

I also thought a lot. I mean seriously... A LOT! Which, has its ups and downs. And I kind of came to some realizations. The big discovery... I wasn't really being honest with myself. I found myself pretending to like things - and certain people - for the sake of "fitting in". I also discovered I was very burnt out on Disney and crafting. Still am burnt out. So much so that the future of my Disney/Crafting blogs is unknown. I'd hate to throw away so much work... but part of me just doesn't want to work on them anymore. For now they are just sitting there. I have given myself a goal of July 1 to decide their fate. I think I'll end up keeping them, but that thought changes from day to day.

But alias... not all was gloom and doom. Thankfully, modern medicine came to the rescue in the form of two shots into my back in early June and after two days of pure hell, I was feeling pretty darn good. And I was determined to make some changes and explore some new paths.

One of those new paths I am venturing on is my love of toys. I adore toys. My favorites - Legos, Barbies, and Play-doh. To help me on this path, I started unpacking boxes. And I unpacked more boxes. Wow... there were a lot of boxes. I own a lot of stuff. The unpacking of the boxes led me to tons of toys, lots & lots of craft items, and tons of collectibles. This led me to another project... purging. So far I've sent 6 bags of clothes and stuffed animals to Goodwill and I've gathered loads of items for eBay. And I'm not even a 1/3 of the way done with the boxes.

So that's sort of where I've been lately - purging, organizing, planning. As for my New Year's resolutions, since the year is 1/2 over, I guess I will give you a little update on them.

• Do Project Life - this is going to be interesting... since I rarely leave the house - As predicted this became impossible to do. I made it *maybe* four weeks. I just really didn't have anything to record about my life... and there are only so many photos I could include about my cat. I thought I would try to start again on my birthday and record my 36th year. Well, that came and went... and I never started. Guess I'll try again in 2013. I do still plan on blogging about the whole thing and showing you what I did get done.
• Do Project 52 - going to focus this project on macro images - Made it whole 7 weeks. Again, some of my reasons are the same as with Project Life... others do to my back issue. Looks like it's another year of a failed photo project. Here's to trying again in 2013!
• Lose 50lbs - I want to/need to lose more, but I'm being a bit of a realist with this goal - Been up and down, though never more than 10lbs under/5lbs over my starting weight. Just recently I've gotten really serious about it, so there is still hope that I achieve this goal!
• Build readership on all 4 of my blogs - Not only have I not tried to get readers, I've hardly blogged this year. But I'm going to change that starting today. Also, I'm going to BlogHer `12 (more on this soon) in August and that might is going to help.
• Start up Pop Hearts Studio - HAHA. That's all I have to say about this one.
• Try to find my drawing style - Haven't even picked up a pencil and sketch pad.
• Create, Create, Create - Nope... haven't made anything at all this year. All my supplies are still boxed up.

As for my word of the year - Confidence - I've attempted. When I do things, I try to have as much confidence as I can. It's not going very well... but I'm at least trying.

But, even though it seems like I've had a number of fails so far in terms of 2012 goals, I have been working on some new things that I'm kind of proud of! I now have a Tumblr blog, April in Progress. Things you'll find on AiP are art projects in the works, photos of prep work for my different blogs, things I find pretty or cute or awesome, Legos & Barbies, and lots of Doctor Who. I didn't want to flood this blog with a lot of random items, so I figured Tumblr would be a good home for that.

I am also starting 3 new blogs - Little Pink Pumps, The Toy Box Geek, and One Brick, Two Bricks. All are still in the building stages, but I'm really excited for them! As for this blog, well I'm going to give it a little more direction, some more focus. I've started to involve myself in the hardcore blogging world. That world of PR reps and events and product reviews. I want to do all of it... as long as it fits me. I refuse to write about something that I don't believe in or that just doesn't fit me. Being the unique individual that I am, it should be an interesting experience.

Oh, and this is my 100th post. Took me awhile to figure out what I wanted my 100th to be about... figured it was a good point to do this update. It might only be a small milestone... but it's still a milestone!

Enough rambling for now. Here's hoping the next time I see you, it'll have only been a few days!

2012 Resolutions

It's that time again! Time for some new year resolutions.

• Do Project Life - this is going to be interesting... since I rarely leave the house
• Do Project 52 - going to focus this project on macro images
• Lose 50lbs - I want to/need to lose more, but I'm being a bit of a realist with this goal
• Build readership on all 4 of my blogs
• Start up Pop Hearts Studio
• Try to find my drawing style
• Create, Create, Create

That's it. I have lots of little goals and things I want to accomplish, but these are the big ones... the ones that will last all year.

What's in a Word

A Facebook friend of mine posted this link to an article about "Word of the Year: Why & How to Choose One". I've never really thought about picking a word for the year and the article got me thinking. I know it's a popular trend with blogs to define their year with a word, but I never have. So I'm going to change that this year and go with the trend.

But what word to use?

I've been tossing around ideas on my word but nothing seems to describe how I want me year to go. There is BELIEVE in yourself, just DO it, FEARLESS, ACHIVE your goals, and so on... but those just don't fit. Then it hit me...

CONFIDENCE

I need some.... CONFIDENCE in myself, CONFIDENCE in my abilities, CONFIDENCE in my creations, CONFIDENCE in the people around me. My life is lacking CONFIDENCE. So I'm going with it. That will be my word of the year.

CONFIDENCE that 2012 is going to be a good year. Let's see if I can do it.

Do you have a word for 2012? Share with us in the comments.

2011 Resolution Recap

Ah New Year's resolutions. We all make them... but how many do we really keep? Here are my resolutions for 2011 and how I did with them:

• Lose at least 36lbs - Well, I gained weight instead of losing any thanks to some medications I was put on
• Get Pop Hearts Studio off the ground - Maybe in 2012
• Finish my massive Scrapping the Magic project list - Got about 1/2 my planned projects done, got sidetracked by splitting up the site into 3 different blogs
• Start up my personal blog and keep it going - I accomplished this!
• Set up my portfolio website - Not sure I still want to do this
• Create, Create, Create! - I had my ups and downs... didn't do as much as I hoped or planned

Looks like I'll be carrying some of these over to 2012!

What I've Been Up To...

I've been really enjoying my crafty break! I've done a fair share of cleaning, sleeping, baking, sleeping, and holiday prep. All my Christmas shopping is done and wrapped, my baking recipes are gathered and the shopping list made. I'm ready for Christmas Eve the get here!

Oh, and I've also been doing a lot of this:

Yup, playing Wii. My mother had asked for one for Christmas and when I called my brother for some details on where the best place to get one at the best price and so on, he ended up giving us his! So we've been having lots of fun playing Wii Sports and have bowling matches at least every other day. As a family we are really having a blast with it!

Off to bowl a few frames!

Sometimes You Need a Little Break...

I think I need a little break... a crafting break. Having my supplies split between two spaces and having a flight of stairs in between them, well that just isn't working. So, I need a break to figure out how to fix things. It'll also give me some time to post the backlog of projects waiting to be blogged on here and my other three sites. And I can use the time to try my hand at some digital projects I've been wanting to try. Maybe I'll finally get around to finishing setting up this blog!

I think I should ready to start crafting again by February. At least I hope so. It shouldn't take me much longer then that.

I believe...

Disclaimer: I'm not one for discussing religion or even politics in public, but something has been bugging me. Warning, religion is discussed in this post.

Lately there has been an increase in people on Facebook posting about religious topics... which is perfectly fine and they are totally within their rights, however, some of this postings have been to the point of downright nasty to people that don't agree with the poster's beliefs. I'm all for expressing oneself and standing by what you believe in, but don't degrade or bully people because they don't agree. The most current example that has been causing heated arguments is the keep Christ in Christmas related posts. In fact, in one post it got so ugly that a Jewish friend of mine was basically called an Atheist because she wasn't Christian.  To sum up the post it said something along the lines that Christmas is a Christian holiday and people need to stop taking it away from them and turning it into their own holiday. And it got pretty nasty, on both sides of the discussion.

So why am I telling you this? Oh, right, so I can express what I believe.

• I believe in the Big Bang, Dinosaurs, and Evolution.
• I believe that if you are black, white, purple, gay, straight, man, woman, 6 toed, 1 eared, or a any of those combine you are all equal and should be treated so.
• I believe humans should be able to marry any other human they want as long as both are of legal consenting age and not related by blood.
• I believe that no one should be bullied by another person. For any reason.
• I believe we are responsible for taking care of our planet every chance we get.
• I believe everyone has the right to express themselves and their opinions, as long as it is done respectfully and doesn't bully another person or group. 
• I believe that tolerance is sorely lacking in the world.  
• I believe that Christmas doesn't belong to any one group. It belongs to everyone and it should be celebrated in the way that person sees fit. If anyone demands to know who owns the Christmas, it is the Pagens and their Winter Solstice celebration that kick started the party. It then grew from the traditions of different cultures and religions. 
• I believe that the holiday season kicks off with Thanksgiving and goes through till New Year's. This includes Christmas, Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Festivus, and any that I might have missed. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to say Happy Holidays to anyone who you do not know their personal beliefs. Merry Christmas should be saved for the day of (or even the week of) Christmas and to people you know for a fact celebrate the holiday.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to stop there. You really don't want to hear about my thoughts on the current generation, the obesity epidemic or heaven forbid the Occupy anywhere situation. 

My Little Secret

I was going to title this post my dirty or dark secret, but it's not really either of those. And to my close friends it's not really a secret. But to the general public some of this isn't known. See, I don't work. Not because I don't want to, believe me most days I do. It's because I can't. I can't because, well, I have fibromyalgia AND Crohn's disease AND an anxiety disorder. Fun, huh? Each one alone doesn't stop me from being able to work, but the combination of the three... well I'm just a big old mess.  All this also leaves me without an income. Thankfully, I have really great parents.  Though at my age, that is a big kick to the psyche.

So why am I telling you all of this... well, I guess because it helps explain a bit why I'm so inconsistant at posting to this blog and all my other websites. Somedays I just can't move very well. Or I forget. Or I'm sleeping. I do that a lot, sleep. And sleep is not my friend. I want it to be, but if it was it would be like that friend you want to really like but they just wears you down. Sleep is never refreshing. If you are a fellow blogger you know what it's like to try and write or create art when you are super tired. It's hard. It brings typos. And rambly posts. Kind of like this one. Or no posts at all. And I do it sans coffee. I don't like coffee. And I only allow myself no or maybe one soda a day. So, yeah... I live mostly caffeine deprived. That doesn't help with the always being tired.

I thought with the challenge of NaBloPoMo I would be blogging more... clearly that isn't happening. But it is still early in the month, so I'm going to try and do better. Do better on all my blogs. And I hope to get a burst of energy and some mojo back to make some new projects. Or at least finish posting the ones from my last burst of creativity.

So there you go... my little secret (or four). And with that it's about 10pm. Time to go meet my nemesis the sandman. Maybe tonight will be a good night.

It's National Blog Posting Month!

Today is the start of National Blog Posting Month AKA NaBloPoMo! I'm going to try and post everyday in November, I think I can do it. Back in August when I tried to post everyday I didn't do so bad and I actually felt better about thinks and crafted more. Maybe it was the pressure of having to write a post each day that made me feel like I had a purpose, or maybe it was the therapy of it all. So I look forward to trying it again. Maybe it will inspire me to write more on all my website blogs too, seeing I've lost a bit of the joy of working on them.

Here's hoping November is a good month for writing! And a good month for everything else!

Procrastinate Much?

Tomorrow I'll start being creative! Tomorrow I'll start my diet! Tomorrow I'll do something epic.

Tomorrow... maybe.

© Hyperbole and a Half (Check her out... some good stuff there)

My Bucket List

A bucket list... a list of dreams one hopes to fulfill before they die. Since the days seem to be flying by I figured it's time to write down my list. Being a bit of a realist I've broken the list down by things that are possible and things that are a bit impossible, unless I won the lotto.

Stuff that Just Requires Time and Hard Work

• Have The Magic Family of websites become a smooth running success
• Gain 100 followers of this blog
• Gain 1000 followers of this blog
• Have a successful art career
• Have all my medical issues in check
• Get media clearance for Disney events

Stuff that Requires Money... and lots of it

• Go to the Disneyland Resort
• Go to the Disneyland Paris Resort
• Go to a San Diego Comic Con
• Go to a D23 Expo
• Go to a CHA Convention
• Go to a BlogHer Convention
• Go to Ireland
• Adopt a baby boy
• Buy a house

Someday...

August 1st...

Well, here it is August 1st. This year sure hasn't gone as planned. Website updates have been delayed, my art store still isn't open, and the medical issues just keep increasing. But it's the first of the month, a chance to start over. More focus, new meds, more crafting... and a lot more blogging!

Stay tuned... I hope to make it a good month!